This isn't going to be easy. Telling the truth seldom
is. But here goes: I'm HAPPY.
I can hear the gasps of astonishment and roiling anger
already. I know this is far from acceptable in our politically
correct society. But I can't help myself. It's not just
me. It's my wife, too. She is also extremely HAPPY.
You see, since our chosen type of lifestyle has grown
unacceptable in tolerant society, we have been living
in Ozzie and Harriet's closet. It seems like every time
we tell others about our sexual orientation (opposite
genders enjoying "exclusive" sex), our fidelity (twenty
years fast approaching), and our desire to remain life
partners (good and bad, til death do us ...), people
roll their eyes and remark how our HAPPY lifestyle is
so "nostalgic," "quaint," and unusual.
With all due respect to the fruits, nuts, and flakes
who have taken America's media hostage: I will be silent
no longer. Not only am I proud to be part of the HAPPY
community, I want the world to know just how HAPPY I
am. I'm thinking a few protest marches are in order.
A legal defense organization: the AHLU, and an international
organization: The HAPPY Liberation Movement.
Maybe some slogans for bumper stickers like:
"Who Got the Hooch? My Freshie, Fresh Wife, That's Who"
"Adam & Eve Knew the Score" or
"Married People Do It to Death."
I'm feeling better already. My wife and I are so out
of the closet now that we've decided to raise our children
to be openly "HAPPY." We're going to live our "HAPPY"
lifestyle right in front of them and all the world.
If they grow up and choose a "HAPPY" lifestyle, so be
it. We'll love and support them all the way.
Who knows? Perhaps even Hollywood will take up our cause.
The next thing you know, we'll see Tom and Nicole portraying
marital fidelity right there on the silver screen "Eyes
Barely Open"-- with dolby sound no less!
Maybe Will or Jack will fall for Grace and end up walking
the aisle with her (Hey! It could happen, if the show's
story editor, John Kinnally, were just a little more
open-minded). Or we might even see a wacky reality series
on television about the romantic reward and emotional
satisfaction of saving your virginity to share with
your one, true love: "Survivor".
Calling all "HAPPY" people living quiet lives across
It's time to come out of Ozzie and Harriet's closet.
Start flaunting your commitment and satisfaction with
the ones you love. Let the world know how HAPPY you